I woke up this morning worried, mostly about money but also about our living conditions and how to keep the winter at bay in a small space. I sat in meditation for a while and realized I was not able to concentrate very well, easily distracted. Lately I‘ve been getting a recurring message from the Great Unknown that I don’t need help being who I really am, and doing what I need to do. I read a lot of books helping guide my meditation and focus my mind. I guess the message is that at some point in our awakening we have to find our guidance from our own spiritual center, perhaps to keep us from getting too attached to the ideas of others or just ideas in general. Now seems to be my time. I do know that certain ideas feel good. For instance; “God is as close as my breathing.” There are times when that thought makes me very happy. But I think that we can become too dependant on ideas that feel good, and that can distract us from waiting for and listening to our own inner silence. From that silence comes our inner guidance.
But finding my own center is an act of faith and a waiting game. Love only happens right now, but when I am disturbed and uncomfortable, and I have to sit and say YES to this moment, relief doesn’t come instantly. And while I was waiting this morning, my mind just kept saying, “Nothing’s happening”,” This is a waste of time” After a bit of struggle another voice said, “Nothing is supposed to happen. This is life just as it is and it is perfect as long as you aren’t expecting anything” Sometimes these little discussions can go on quite awhile before I notice that I’m not sitting quietly any longer.
Ok, so I can feel the need for something to change, but can’t expect any certain outcome. That’s tricky.
So I reel myself back, saying yes to everything in my field of awareness, especially to that place in my throat where those little voices originate, so that they don’t just run on unconsciously. There is an old Bob Seager song playing at the moment and I just let it play, looking around the rest of my immediate personality environment.
Sitting and watching and waiting I begin to feel a little better. It’s sort of like the sensation of pressure in my chest from worrying, (not to mention worrying about what worrying might be doing to me) is like darkness, and watching and focusing on those sensations without expecting them to go away, is light. But it isn’t a bright light at first. I have to hold my attention on the feelings and the light gets brighter and brighter. Soon the uncomfortable sensations are fading. Why is that? I think partly it’s because right NOW there isn’t really anything wrong, and acceptance of this moment illuminates that fact. Or maybe energy that’s being released into my life through the channel of pure acceptance transforms what problems I may have had into something else. I call that Grace or Love because that’s what other people call it, but I don’t really know.
I’m obviously still working on it. But today I feel like I made a little progress on finding my own guidance center.